It’s so unbelievable, this is the last day of year 2016 and still so many things happened that this year feel so much more than a single year. Is it just me? Is this a clear sign that I’m getting older so seemingly years go faster and faster?
Having moved to London in the summer of 2015 – in the very same time when we got married, because we love living dangerously – this one has been the first full year for us with so many challenges.
I guess nobody knows how difficult will be living abroad, speaking a totally different language, even though it’s English. It seemed so easy back than. After all, we had learned English, we had a decent vocabulary already, reading and watching (American) films (mostly with English subtitles) pretty well.
And we’ll learn the rest, won’t we? Yes, of course, if you dare to practice, if you don’t be afraid of making mistakes. If you accept the fact, that you always, in every circumstances have to use this new language, which it’s not your first language (which seems so obvious) and get along with the fact you cannot express yourself how you want to, how you could in your mother tongue, that you might feel stupid. That you have to give up translating and start to think differently, even though you think that way for years, decades, half a century. Even though that language is so different from your own. And that sucks.
In the beginning I was truly afraid to move abroad, then I found courage when eventually everything in our life pointed in this direction. We’re clever enough, we built up a pretty good life from basically nothing, so what could go wrong? Well, nothing and everything. Your weak self-confidence, your own feelings and fears and a dozen different thing which you couldn’t count with before.
For me leaving my comfort zone didn’t come easy. I had to realise that being comfortable in my own comfort zone, don’t make me a confident person. On the contrary. All of my weakness, all of my fears came out, I desperately wanted to get it back. But not here, it seemed so difficult, impossible, it would be so easy to move back to Budapest, where everything is so familiar and I don’t feel so stupid when I have to speak up.
In theory. Because then I would’ve admitted that I had miserably failed. And that seemed even scarier. So I just got frozen by my own fears and anxiety. No moving either forward or backward. Just sleeping, eating, crying, repeat. Vegetating.
Until you’ll get so bored with all of that. Pulling ourselves together and getting up is difficult, but all it takes just baby steps first. Launching a long desired blog, dressing up in the mornings, consciously learning the language and this new home by reading and listening, discovering and focusing to London and all of its beauty, seeking for a course, seeking for help, then going out, being useful, finding the meaning of life again.
I won’t lie, I also needed help. It wasn’t the first step though. Having had the realisation, I started the blog, and finally I could do what I truly enjoy, working with fashion, dressing up, writing, finding and sharing inspiration, creating something which is my own. And in the meanwhile getting better and better in English and getting experience. This happened in February and after the Brexit, by the end of summer I reached out for help. I had a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) and it kinda changed my life forever.
It took me a year, but I’m significantly better now, and I won’t say I don’t have my downs anymore, but I learned to handle it. I realised all of this is totally normal, that I’m not the only one, that everybody who takes such a big step in life will suffer from it. More or less, but it’s difficult to everybody. It needs time to digest. Of course nobody likes to mention such things. But I’m not afraid of it anymore. It’s a part of me whether I want it or not. So useless to fight against it, so much wasted energy. What’s the point of being scared if you can’t do anything about it (like Brexit or this devastating US election), if it not even not helps, but makes everything a lot worse?
I didn’t get it first either, but it’s so good now. I feel free, I feel I could conquer the world, that I left a big unwanted package behind me. Which I never would’ve done if I hadn’t moved here. And not just because my problem came to the surface, but because I learned so much here about life and being more mindful, meanwhile I learned so much about so different people, different cultures and habits. A whole new world with all of its own beauties and issues has opened, but it’s not scary anymore, it’s waiting for be conquered.
So I would like to thank for my husband who supported me all the way along. And of course I’d like to thank for you too. Because this very blog was the first step in this journey and it’s such a good feeling you appreciate it, that I’m not alone, moreover we’re more alike than we’ve ever thought.
Happy New Year! See you in 2017!
PS: whoa, my original intention was to write about clothes and favourites, but when I looked back this came out. But at least you have the pictures from all around this year. My love for vintage jeans and discovering colours win everything, but I don’t mind, actually I don’t mind it at all.